Welcome to Project 1860

#StTwitters - BUT

FORGET 2014

Welcome to @StTweetersTrust #EffOff

Project 1860 

Inspired By

"NOTES ON NURSING"
What it is, and what it is not

BY

FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE

PREFACE.

"THE following notes are by no means intended as a rule of thought by which nurses can teach themselves to nurse, still less as a manual to teach nurses to nurse. They are meant simply to give hints for thought to women who have personal charge of the health of others." 

Matron and the Efficiency Office will be implementing "Project 1860" to ensure we return to the cherished values of "Basic & Fundamental" Nursing Care from the Victorian Golden Age.

"A tidy Ward is an efficient Ward. Ensure a major portion of the day is dedicated to correcting the disarray that patients cause."

"Of all the periods in the Hospital  Day, Visiting Time is one of the most pressured & least satisfactory for the busy Nurse."

"A major set back (for Nurses) came with the establishment of the National Health Service in 1948. Give people anything for nothing and they will cease to appreciate it. The NHS Act opened the floodgates to malingerers who had, until 1948, been held in check by decent Victorian values. Now any Tom, Dick or Harriet can march into a hospital, demanding free medical and nursing attention."

THE WELFARE OF OUR PATIENTS IS AT STAKE

Down with the Modernists

"I shall petition for proper nurses headgear, aprons & practical long skirts. I shall be relentless in my fight for lace cuffs"

"Nurse training should be an ideal rounding off to a young woman's education, providing a smooth transition from childhood to motherhood.

"Men in Nursing! Does not the very phrase, this palpable contradiction in terms, strike you with its grotesquerie - and cry to heaven itself for correction."

"The invidious take over of the Nursing Profession by those of the male sex can no longer be borne."

"We all have good reason to regret the extension in visiting hours foisted on us by misguided theorists."

In dealing with difficult relatives, as with difficult patients, a firm approach is absolutely essential. Believe me, attempts to reason with them will only be interpreted as weakness.

Project 1860 

A RETURN TO TRADITIONAL VALUES AT 

#STTWITTERS

And Never Forget the #ConDem NHS Motto

"Did you hear about the NHS Staff who died and went straight to hell? It was 2 weeks before they realised they weren't at work."

@BartonTD

#StTwitters Fans 

It was Christmas Day at St Twitters

 

It was Christmas Day at St Twitters
The merriest day of the year
The Patients and the Staff
Were all assembled there

In Nest Ward there came the Christmas pudding
When a patients voice that shattered glass
Said, "We don't want your Christmas pudding
So stick it
there with the rest of the unwanted presents"

The Efficiency Office Senior Manager then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said "Who wants the parson's nose
And the Patients shouted
"you have it yourself sir"

The Hospital Chaplin  brought his bible
 And read out little bits
Said one Old Patient at the back of Nest Ward

"This man gets on 

very well with everybody"

The Senior Matron then began
To hand out Christmas parcels

The Patients tore the wrappers off
And began to wipe their
eyes, which were full of tears

Then Matron rose to make a speech
But just before she started
The Ward Staff Nurses
Gave three loud cheers and then they all
nearly choked themselves

And all the St Twitters Nurses then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One Male Nurse held his too low down
And blew off both his
paper hat and the man's next to him

A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged Patient called aloud
"This bread sauce tastes like
it was made by a continental chef"

Mince pie with custard sauce was next
And each received a bit
One Patient said "The mince pie's nice
But the custard tastes like
the bread sauce we had in the last verse !"

The Consultant started dishing out the food
And dropped custard down his front
He cried "Aren't I a silly man"
And all the Patients answered "You're a 
perfect picture of Professionalism as always Sir!"

"This pudding ", said the SHO 
"It's solid, hard and thick
how am I going to cut it ?"
And the Patients with one voice cried "Use your
penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle"

The Matron asked the St Twitters Chaplin
To entertain his flock
He said "What would you like to see?"
And the patients cried "Let's see your
conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching"

"Your Reverence may I be excused?"
Said one benign old chap
"I don't like conjuring tricks
I'd sooner have a
carol or two around the Nurses Station"

So then they all began to sing
Which shook St Twitters walls
"Merry Christmas!" cried Matron
And the Patients and Staff shouted
"Best of luck to you as well"

St Twitters Master Plan for the British Political System

In Conjunction with the Governments NHS Reform Plan

St Twitters has a Master Plan for the British Political System

Matron and #EffOff have a plan !!!

Our aim - to strive to have the Finest Political System in the World

We have to restore faith in the failed British Political System

Matron is on record as saying:
"We need a profound transformation to create an open, honest, informed and trustworthy political system" 

There can be no return to the disastrous failures of recent decades

The Debacle of the Green Bench Pantomime and squalling sneering Teenage House of Commons Tantrums has to end - this is Democracy - Really!

In a statement #EffOff outlined new measures:

In future Politicians will have:

To be be open and honest and accountable about "THEIR" mistakes, errors, or just general ignorance

LETS END THE BLAME CULTURE
IN FUTURE POLITICIANS WILL BE: 
BANNED FROM BLAMING THEIR FAILINGS ON:
The Previous Administration
The Opposition
The Communists
The Facists
Terrosists
The NHS
The General Public

The Recession

The Nurses

The Doctors

The Managers

The Public

The Newspapers

Necessary Austerity Measures
The Elderly

LETS END THE BLAME CULTURE

IN FUTURE POLITICIANS WILL BE: 

BANNED FROM BLAMING THEIR FAILINGS ON:

The BBC
The Civil Service
The Terrorists
MI5
The Police
The Armed Forces
The Bank of England
The Banks (In General)
The Unions
Single Mothers
Asylum Seekers
Immigrants
Scoungers
The Disabled
People on Social Benefits
Ethic Minorities
Drug Addicts
Prisoners
Judges
Single Parents
Parents in General

LETS END THE BLAME CULTURE

IN FUTURE POLITICIANS WILL BE: 

BANNED FROM BLAMING THEIR FAILINGS ON:

Teachers
Gypsies
Ethnic Minorities / Majorities
Teenagers
Homosexuals
Musicians
Artists
Social Radicals
The Internet
Twitter & Facebook
Religion
Secularism
Ethnicity
Gender
The Obese

AND WELL - JUST ANYONE OR ANYTHING

Matron requires that Politicians will have to do the jobs of those they seek to represent and demonstrate a glimmering of the stress and responsibility carried by NHS Staff above and beyond the clichéd sound bytes that they serve up as a result of the work of their overworked civil servant staff 

Politicians will be automatically removed from office if they demonstrate the slightest desire for power or ambition

Politicians will require a certificate to ensure basic honesty and integrity skills and the right skills and training to be in charge of a country - there will off course be no resource or regulation of this as there is no money available. 

Every politician should have the names of a responsible mentors listed above their constituency office to reassure the public that someone who knows better is guiding their decisions

NO POLITICIAN WILL BE ALLOWED TO BE IN CHARGE OF THE NHS - THIS CORE PRINCIPLE FOUNDED ON A 30 YEAR EVIDENCE BASE THAT THEY HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO INTEREST IN THE NOTION OF A FREE NHS - APART FROM THE DESIRE TO STAY IN POWER

THERE HAVE ONLY BEEN A FEW WHO WE COULD REALLY TRUST

The Hospital Inspection - The Report and Recommendations #StTwitters

@StTweetersTrust #StTwitters

#EffOff The Efficiency Office Announces

THE HOSPITAL INSPECTORATE REPORT & RECOMMENDATIONS  

Este Paratus - BE PREPARED 

We are pleased to recive the 

INSPECTORATE REPORT

#StTwitters is commended for running a "Tight Ship" along tried and tested lines and traditions. 

A Role Model for other "New  Fangled" Hospital organisations being inadvisedly mercilessly plugged by second rate "I want a Place in History" Political Cronies 

StTweetersTrust flies the flag for tradition and common sense.

Upstart Politicians and Psuedo Academic Intellectuals and meglomaniac Managers  should take note of #Stwitters example   

INSPECTORATE RECOMMENDATIONS:

1) The immediate re-introduction of Doctors White Coats and Stethoscopes to enable the clear identification of the Parent Medical Profession.

2) The removal of all Male Nurses from general wards and their confinement to appropriate Psychiatric Environments.

3) The immediate introduction of HIGHLY RESTRICTIVE Visitors Hours to reduce the incidence of ill advised family interference in Ward activity.

4) The immediate removal of the School of Nursing from the University and reintroduction of a sensible, task orientated, vocational training.

5) The withdrawal of of all notions of "Evidence Based Practice" and the reintroduction of intuitive generational practice based on sound common sense.

6) The banning of the abominable "Scrubs" and the reintroduction of appropriate Medical and Nurses Uniforms.

7) Banning the use of "trendy and unproven" practices - Intentional Rounding, Pathways, Care Packages and the reintroduction of Back Rounds, Bottle Rounds and Egg White and Oxygen. 

8) Reintroduction of Consultant Teaching rounds founded in ritual humiliation of Medical Students.

9) An immediate ban on Hippie Tree Hugging ideas such as Holistic Care, Patient Empowerment, the Nursing Process and that most heinous invention - The Research Nurse.

10) The abolition of the upstarts at the NMC and reintroduction of the General Nursing Council (GNC) and the State Registered Nurse (SRN) and State Enrolled Nurse (SEN)

11) A regular editorial from Matron in the responsible objective & unbiased National Newspapers - eg. The Daily Mail - to assure the public that, at #StTwitters, the Traditions of the NHS are indeed SAFE IN OUR HANDS. 
  

THE WELFARE OF OUR PATIENTS IS AT STAKE

NHS - SAFE IN THE HANDS OF ST TWITTERS

Christmas at St Twitters - @StTweetersTrust Page coming soon

CHRISTMAS 
@StTweetersTrust

Senior Manager at #EffOff Is NOT HAPPY

BAH HUMBUG!! AUSTERITY RULES OK

YES - Its Coming Sooner Than You Think!

The #StTwitters Christmas Page

Matron does not really approve of Xmas Festivities as they disrupt the normal routines of the Hospital's Wards. However, she will be escorting the Consultants on their festive Rounds and will ensure the Patients and her Nurses are suitably neat and tidy. A nip of Sherry may be permitted, and of course the occasional mince pie. 

It is her eternal regret that patient family members seemed to thing the Xmas was some sort of excuse to gain more access to the Wards. This was of course nonsense and she urged her girls to emphatically resist this and ring the End of Visiting Bell with particular vigour.  She treasured the Words of #StTwitters Patron Saint, the Hallowed Sister Plume - "Interference from friends and family can be highly detrimental to the operation of the Ward."

The #StTwitters Christmas Page - is coming soon.
It will be full of exciting information.

The Xmas Fete

The Xmas Dinner

The Xmas Staff Party
Matron is a little worried by the Fancy Dress Theme

C/O @alisonjhughes 

The Xmas Lunch Menu

The Xmas Off Duty
(Well actually this is already sorted by Matron last Easter - no one has time off at Xmas at all) 
C/O @CalvinMoorley 

Santa visiting the Tweediatric Ward
Matrons Xmas tipple
Decorating Nest Ward
Old P (Head Hospital Porter) stock piling 70% Proof Old Scroggs
AND SO MUCH MORE 

ALL SUGGESTIONS AND MATERIALS WELCOME